General fun thread

[Leadfoot]

I have lots more though they are more video or photo than actual jokes. Will try and upload them soon.

[darkart]

Very nice, Leadfoot! Thanks for sharing this jokes

[Duma]

[Duma]

[Duma]

[Duma]

[Benman]

Awesome guys, awesome!

Ben

[Leadfoot]

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted



A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "Now don't you be start anything."



A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."



A Dyslexic man walks into a bra.



A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "A pint for me, and one for the road."



Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"



Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."



Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'. "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." The man asks "Is it common?". Doc replies "It's not unusual."



Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."



Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.



I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.



I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'



My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

[Leadfoot]

A young man called Paul wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's Christmas present and as they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant made a mistake and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

Without checking the contents the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"Dear Maria,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them.

I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night."

All my love

Paul

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

[Leadfoot]

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Borrow money from pessimists; they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so
I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body that is required to be on it.

[Erik]

[Mockenrue]

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/s...-200810231348/

[Erik]

Fonejacker: I want be model
http://www.e4.com/video/4b8zTkzibsMbmY2zDEJzfU/play.e4

[Erik]

Parking in pool

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHnnc...eature=related

[Leadfoot]

Very funny commercial.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LX95daYgmdA

[Erik]

[Mockenrue]

HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO'S

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girl friend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares ... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the House wares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the anti-depressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:


14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.’

[rubyblack]

anon.....