General fun thread

[Erik]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJgMueh-zLM

[JavierNuvolari]

"I was driving on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck.

He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker.

I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this, overaerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.

She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot!" I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this.

As I drive away, she yells, "*******" at me again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her.

"Do you have a problem?" I ask.

"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"

"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly."

"You were speeding. I watched you."

"You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator, I am.)

"I heard you."

"So, you measured my speed by ear?"

"I can hear."

"How fast did you HEAR me going?"

"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down."

THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding.

"What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision.

"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.

She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I give the paperwork to the cop.

She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal." I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn.

"These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429, "I told the cop," Which makes them street legal as a replacement."

Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this ******?"

The cop says, "No, I am not."

I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense."

"What?" The cop looks confused.

"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (my new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense."

The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."

"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street."

The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses.

She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge! "

[RS6-4dr911]

Tell me what city you live in so I'll know when there not to screw with you.

Hilarious story, well played, sir.

[JavierNuvolari]

Tell me what city you live in so I'll know when there not to screw with you.

Hilarious story, well played, sir.

Yeah, it a cool story but it's not mine. I just posted it, that's why I put "". Glad you enjoyed it though.


Saludos.

[gjg]

DRILL PRESS
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it
takes you to say, “Oh, sh –“
>>
SKILL SAW
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>>
PLIERS
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
>>
BELT SANDER
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes

VISE GRIPS
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race…

TABLE SAW A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
>>
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
>>
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>>
HOSE CUTTER
A tool used to make hoses too short.
>>
HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON OF A B*TCH TOOL
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “Son of a b*tch” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.>>

[gjg]

Bob can't get an erection, So he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he'swilling to try an experimental surgery. Bob asks what the surgery is.

The doctor tells him that they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephants' trunk, insert them in the base of the penis, and hope for the best. Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he agrees to have the surgery.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery, and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to 'Try out the new equiptment.'

Bob takes his wife out to dinner . While at dinner, Bob starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him, so he undoeshis pants. No sooner does he do this, his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and gets a sly look on her face. She says, 'That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?' With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, 'Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass.'

[gjg]

1. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

2. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

3. Hot wheels and Matchbox cars are now trading higher than GM cars.

4. McDonalds is selling the quarter-ouncer.

5. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

6. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

7. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

8. Motel Six won't leave the light on.

9. The Mafia is laying off judges.

10. When bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds" you have to call the bank and ask if they meant you or them.

[Erik]

WHY?


First wheelie in redneck rollercoaster van
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixnhfysEEDg

[JavierNuvolari]

WHY?


First wheelie in redneck rollercoaster van
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixnhfysEEDg

Hahahahaha...

[Erik]

A classic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvvly-z2CXE

[Erik]

[Erik]

http://open.spotify.com/user/addepia...Xg1gJZ3L9mZRB8

[JavierNuvolari]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke.

Received from Linda McDermon.

[JavierNuvolari]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work

[Benman]

When you occasionally have a really bad day...

I had seen this one a long time ago, an all time CLASSIC!

Ben

[Erik]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9C0Sanvo0U

[Erik]

For the french and the irish

http://irishsoccerinsider.wordpress.com/

[JavierNuvolari]

For the french and the irish

http://irishsoccerinsider.wordpress.com/

That was a good laugh on a bad day. Thanks .