Lawyer joke

[JAXRS6]

My favorite lawyer didn't like lawyers (as a group), and he enjoyed lawyer jokes. It is in that spirit of his open mindedness that I present this, which arrived in my email today, and hope that good lawyers here find no offense.:D
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Cheney to receive Medal of Freedom

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A white house source stated that Congress is considering awarding Vice-President Dick Cheney the Medal of Freedom, the national highest civilian commendation, for his act of bravery in shooting an attorney. The source was quoted to say " All Americans have wanted to shoot a lawyer at one time or another and Cheney actually had the balls to do it".

In a related story, the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, which issues hunting licenses, said that it will start requiring hunters, wishing to bag a lawyer, to have the new "lawyer's stamp" on their hunting license. Currently Texas hunters are required to carry stamps for hunting birds, deer, and bear, at a cost of $7 annually. The new "lawyers stamp" will cost $100, but open season will be all year long.

The department further stated that although the "lawyers stamp" comes at hefty price, sales have been brisk and it is believed it will generate annual revenues in excess of $3 billion dollars the first year. Other states are considering similar hunting license stamps. Impatient with efforts to close the courts to litigants, the Administration literally fired the first shot in its groundbreaking "No Lawyer Left Standing" initiative. Vice President Cheney, hunting on a private ranch near Kingsville, Texas, bagged an impressive buck (Harry Whittington, UT Law '50). Under the new program, hunters may take one white shoe in-house lawyer or three outside lawyers daily. The limit has been suspended for trial lawyers. "We've just got to thin the herd," said the Vice-President. "We've tried tort reform and caps on damages, but people are still suing.? Cheney added, "It's easy and fun. In Texas, you can shoot in almost any direction and hit a lawyer."

[Benman]

Very funny joke Jax!:thumb:

George liked it too... http://www.rs6.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=8412 (scroll down) :0:

Ben:addict:

[gjg]

New State Regulations:

Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys PC 370.00

370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.

370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.

370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse.
If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.

370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.

370.05 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.

370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.

370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.

370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.

370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

370.10 Bag and Possession Limits per day:

Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2;
Two-faced tortfeasors, 1;
Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3;
Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2;
Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4.
Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).

ARS 8007.21 It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.


:applause:

[Benman]

:applause: :thumb:

Ben:addict:

[gjg]

A young lawyer was driving his new Lexus when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He stopped and got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied.
Oh, come along with me then.", said the lawyer.
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man said.
"Bring them as well!", said the lawyer.
The lawyer called his wife and asked her to come over and take the second man's family. They all climbed into the cars. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet high!"

[Benman]

Originally posted by gjg

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet high!"

:applause: :applause:

Just when you thought there was a chance for charity...:D

Ben:addict:

[gjg]

Originally posted by Benam

[/B] Just when you thought there was a chance for charity...

puke:

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So, a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,

"Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two Million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh...no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "My brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea"

And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the heck makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"

[Benman]

Originally posted by gjg



And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the heck makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"[/B] [/B]

puke: Dude, that is soooo wrong! :applause:

Ben:addict:

[gjg]

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer:

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you "

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney? "

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you sorry rascals in jail for contempt of court."

[gjg]

could not resist .... :D

[Benman]

:applause: :applause:

That one almost tops the last one! Great stuff!

Ben:addict:

[Benman]

A lawyer in the making?:D

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11847551/?GT1=7850

Ben:addict:

[gjg]

A man walks into a bar...
He sees a good-looking, smartly dressed woman sitting on the bar stool.
He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there; how's it going?"
Having already had a few drinks, she turns around, faces him,
looks him straight in the eyes and says, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place; it doesn't matter."
He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"


:blush:

[Code_2025]

Originally posted by gjg
A young lawyer was driving his new Lexus when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He stopped and got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied.
Oh, come along with me then.", said the lawyer.
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man said.
"Bring them as well!", said the lawyer.
The lawyer called his wife and asked her to come over and take the second man's family. They all climbed into the cars. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet high!"

Damn....a true lawyer indeed!!!
:w: